The Unauthorized Zoo Survival Manual

Welcome to Edinburgh Zoo! If you are just emerging from your shipping crate, then welcome! You are now one of the residents of the finest concrete complex this side of the highway. For the first week or two until your fur doesn’t start falling off and you don’t lose your sanity, this is your survival guide.

1. The Human Language Decoder

Human beings tend to produce a great deal of noise. They only know four words that they use incorrectly:

• "Look, a monkey!" This is applicable to everyone, including you. You are all monkeys now.

• "Is it dead?" This is just a good afternoon nap for 14 hours that you are taking.

• "Do a flip!" You should only obey if there are visible blueberries.

• "Awww!" You did nothing wrong. You just blinked. Well done.

2. The Art of the Lunch Heist

The food is delivered in stainless steel containers called "Brenda" or "Chad" by the people.

• The Bird Tax: When you are close to Pip the Macaw, then you are guaranteed that your food won’t have any peace.

• The Gravity Game: You cannot run ahead of the birds, but have to act like an inverted plushie claw machine.

• The Show Off Trick: Fake sadness during the teaching sessions for extra fancy food.

3. Roommate Manners

You don’t get to choose your neighbors. You have to learn to live with them.

• The Capybaras: Real Zen experts. Want a couch or a psychologist? Just sit on a capybara.

• The Otters: Stay away from them. Wild thrill-seekers who shout in the morning because of sparkly pebbles.

• The Lions: They’re only shouting because of stage fright because they’ve forgotten their lines.

4. Navigating Zoo Security

Thinking of breaking out? Think again. The outside world won’t peel your sweet potatoes for you.

• Invisible Wall: There is such a thing. Try not to hit it. It will make your nose bleed.

• Maintenance Gate: Three minutes if it’s open, otherwise you’ll be boxed up in golf carts.

• Best Places To Be: Go for nap sites that have grass nearby.

5. Surviving the paparazzi

Men come with little sticky kids wielding huge, bright rectangles.

• The Smize: Stare directly at the camera lens and gradually shut your eyes.

• The Glass-Tap Counter: Gaze at glass tappers without blinking until they squirm with discomfort.

• The Backdrop Blur: Position yourself right in front of the most hideous artificial rock.

6. The Black Market Economy

Money is irrelevant. The real currency is in things dropped by the preoccupied tourists.

• Shiny Foil Packages: Three grapes. Give them as bribes to the birds for peace during morning time.

• The Lost Sunglasses: They should be worn upside down, as Brenda offers you extra bananas in return for retrieving them.

Final Note: Remember, speed is an illusion. The humans pay the same ticket price whether you run a marathon or look like a furry hammock for twelve hours straight. Close your eyes, disregard the screaming monkeys, and get some rest.