Assault With A Friendly Weapon

On the 25th April I was proceeding in a north-westerly direction along Mandleson Avenue, going about my appointed duties. I became aware of a person of the female gender approaching in my direction. The suspect appeared to be a blonde, unemployed mother of three, who I now know to be Mrs Mavis Blenkinsop, marital spouse of myself, and residing at 23 Falkland Mews. The suspect appeared to be in an excitable state, waving her arms and gesticulating in an inappropriate public manner. My notebook records that her speech was loud and directed at myself. The suspect was heard to say "Coo-wee, Ernie, huggies please". Upon uttering the aforementioned phrase, the suspect flung her arms around my neck and made full bodily contact before I had a chance to implement the self defence techniques as taught to me at Hendon Police Training College. Following a brief struggle where the suspect attempted to plant her lips on my cheek, I managed to wrestle the suspect to the ground and handcuff her. I then informed the suspect that she was now under arrest for assault with a friendly weapon. Back at the station the suspect was duly processed and placed in the cells to cool off. The desk sergeant congratulated me on a successful arrest "Bloody good coppering, Blenkinsop, that's another blonde, unemployed mother of three off the streets".