The Dating Game

The Dating Game

Dear Anne Merryweather,

Congratulations from all of us at Bloom.

We write to confirm that you’re now eligible to consider online dating. Reasonings behind your selection include, but are not limited to: -

Your abiding want of something super interesting and just a teensy bit shocking to tell your Mahjong ladies

Your boredom of discussing charitable events, gardening shows and gluten free cake recipes

Your constant fear of being labelled dull

Below are important instructions and guidelines regarding your prize.

To claim your prize, you must join one of the following dating apps – Thunder, Munching, SinglZ Nr U

Any/all membership fees will be reimbursed by us within seven days of your proof of registration.

Below are summaries and verified customer reviews for each dating app.

Thunder offers free membership and requires minimal personal information; if you decide sex to be a story-telling priority this is your best option. If you’ve never received a Dick-Pic before and would like to, this is also your best option.

Your Mahjong ladies will be shocked, impressed, envious.

35% of our winners choose Thunder for intimate fun. 4% have reported meeting up with the same person more than once. 0% have reported achieving a long-term relationship. Six individuals have reported ego boosts, and one a stalker who thankfully, was arrested.

Your stories could be wild.

Customer reviews:

Penelope G (68): I joined Thunder to quench a two year long sexual drought. As a more mature woman I was a bit conscientious of ‘getting my kit off’ as they say nowadays, but after a couple of gins didn’t give a daddle. My body, according to the first young man I met is still a fucking temple. A liberating experience. Highly recommend.

TinaR (67): Great site, easy to use. Upload a couple of photos and within minutes you’ll be inundated with lewd messages and requests to meet up. One contact wanted to suck my earlobes, another wanted to pour salad cream in my belly button while dressed as batman but mostly, I’ve just been having good old sexual fun.

Despite its suggestive name Munching is a reasonably reputable site costing £49.99 per month for a minimum period of six months. If you’re looking to meet a kindred wannabe middle-class with several credit cards and obsessive interests, try Munching.

43% of winners choose Munching; only 1% of them secure a long-term relationship ergo, for your needs and preferred social standing this might suit.

Customer reviews:

Val@Raz (66): A great site for meeting wealthy men willing to spoil you. I’ve been given a gold bangle, diamond stud earrings and a Juicy Couture tracksuit. Biggest drawback is finding a suitor taller than me, I’m 5’8”. Most hold good conversation although some tend to come across as a bit boring when discussing hobbies such as calligraphy, origami, Minecraft.

FatimaM (68): Well spoken, intelligent men who like sharing their knowledge and wealth. Most seem to enjoy fine dining and have a loathing of using public transport. Unlike some other reviewers I’ve yet to receive any gifts but I have been taken to a Lego museum, an art gallery and for a spin on the Millenium Wheel.

SinglZ Nr U is rising in popularity. Its affordable trial offer of £9.99 per month for first three months, £26.99 per month thereafter appeals to many customers, as does its colourful demographic.

16% of winners choose SinglZ Nr U because of travel restrictions. 10% of those have recognised members of their local community posting on the site in various states of disarray. One winner reported being contacted by her local vicar, another by her optician.

NB: Despite modern marketing SinglZ Nr U is populated by your age group. Participation mostly requires sitting on benches listening to potential partners drone on about loneliness, bereavement and such. Depending on your level of physical fitness this may be most appropriate. Stories may be somewhat repetitive, but they will be plentiful

Customer reviews:

PollyJ (68): This site isn’t for me; it’s for old women.

Barbs@Taystock (66): Wonderful people, wonderful site, wonderful price. Just wonderful really.

So, there you have it Anne Merryweather, your chance to Bloom from, all of us at Bloom.

All we need now is your agreement to be both proactive and reactive in your search to Bloom – avoid becoming that Debbie Dull-day you dread.

NB: Bloom waives all responsibilities for everything. Happy Blooming!