I'm Not Riley

Chapter 1 - The Big Day

Today is the big day. Riley was going to watch her mum finally marry the love of her life. Sarah had gone into Riley's room to wake her up for the big event that had taken months and months to plan. After a rough time of divorce, Sarah had finally found a Damien who was everything she could have ever wanted and more. Today was finally their wedding day after dating for 3 years.

Riley liked Damien. They would often go out and get waffles at the place down the street, "The Woking Waffle Stop" where she would order a huge waffle with chocolate chips, chocolate drizzle and a big dollop of ice cream on the top. Damien never seemed to care that Riley would stuff the waffle into her mouth and have chocolate sauce dripping down her chin and onto a white t-shirt that had just came out of the wash.

Sarah gently twisted the door knob and carefully stepped into her room. Riley was fast asleep with her head on the edge of the pillow and her arms almost falling off the side of her bed. "Goodness" Sarah whispered under her breath as she stepped closer to shake her up.

Riley finally opened her eyes, looking around her dark room. Her dress glistened in the corner of her room waiting to be put on for the wedding. "Good morning, Darling" her mum whispered, "Its about time we get ready to head to the venue, we need at least 4 hours to get ready before the guests come." "7:34" the alarm clock read. It was a bright summers day and the perfect weather for the outdoor wedding that Sarah and Damien had dreamed of.

Riley had dreaded this day, she had known it had been creeping towards her 6 months ago when Sarah and Damien had first announced their engagement. She knew it was her mums big day but she thought there was no way she would let anyone see her in a pink, skin tight dress that had flowers all over. She hated the colour pink and the tightness of it would show every curve of her body, every curve that she had hidden under baggy jeans and a big jumper. Her vision became blurry every time she had thought about putting that dress on. The voice in the back of her head screamed at her every time she had laid eyes on the dress. She had tried it on a few weeks ago to make sure it had fit her and dreaded every second of it. She wanted to wear a suit like her younger brother was. Something that she felt comfortable in, something that wouldn't show the shape of her body. She thought of the black suit with a red stripey tie and the way that Tommy had danced around in it in their living room when trying it out for her mum and step dad to see, "why cant I wear what Tommy is wearing, mum?" She questioned as she sat up in her bed. Sarah had turned around and looked at her with her big frown and furrowed eyebrows, "because you're not a boy, Riley. You are to wear that dress whether you like it or not, I don't care if its not your style."

"Because you're not a boy" the voice rang in her ears. No matter how much she had tried to make herself seem like a boy, nobody would understand her. Not her family and not her friends, to everyone she will always be a girl, but in her head she knew that she wasn't. She was a boy, and in secret she called herself Harry. Although Riley was a unisex name and could work for a boy, she couldn't see herself as a boy when she was being called Riley.

She thought of herself as just a girl who was born in the wrong body. Even as a child she hated girls clothes and would only ever wear boys clothes with monsters and trucks on, she hated playing with dolls and teddies that she was gifted for every birthday and Christmas, she was always secretly jealous of what Tommy had received. Tommy had always gotten the gifts she dreamt about, monster trucks, nerf guns and dinosaur toys.

All she had ever wanted was to be known as Harry and to be called a boy, just like Tommy. But no matter how hard she tried, changing her clothes, hiding her hair, trying to deepen her voice, nothing worked. she was always going to be known as Riley but she always knew one day she would have the courage to tell someone that she is a boy.

Chapter 2 - Getting ready

It was 9:56 when everyone was getting ready for the wedding. Tommy had put on his suit and Riley was in the changing rooms looking at everyone who was getting their dresses on ready for the big day. Chatter surrounded her as she burrowed her head into her hoodie again. "Why aren't you dressed yet" Sarah said sternly, "I don't know" Riley muttered. Sarah looked at Riley with eyes that felt like daggers stabbing into her "you need to get dressed now." Riley wanted to tell her. Riley wanted to tell her everything. The fact that she wasn't a girl, the fact she hated the way she looked and the fact there was no way she wanted to put a dress on. But no words came out her mouth as she stared at her mum. "now. Riley" she demanded.

Riley had finally put on the dress. After a mental battle with herself, she avoided every mirror and went to go see her mum. "Riley, you look beautiful!" she exclaimed as she dragged Riley into a big hug. But she didn't feel beautiful. She felt disgusting, like she couldn't carry on anymore. She lightly hugged her mum back and held back her tears, knowing that if she had hugged her any tighter a waterfall of tears would fill her eyes. She didn't know how to tell her, she just desperately wanted to get out of this dress. "See it wasn't that bad, was it?" Sarah said as she pulled Riley away from her to have a final look. "You look amazing, my beautiful daughter"

Riley looked back at her mum, unable to hold the tears in her eyes. And there she was, collapsing onto her knees with her head in her hands and uncontrollably sobbing.

Chapter 3

Riley felt bad. She knew it was her mums big day and here she was crying over a dress. But it was more than that. She hated that she was a girl and she couldn't hold it in any longer. "Mum, I'm not a girl. I'm really not. You need to believe me." She forced out over her tears.

Sarah stared at her. Shocked. Her jaw was dropped open as she used her hand to cover her mouth. Tears streamed down Riley's face as she had no idea how to her mum would react. Riley gasped for air over and over as the uncontrollable sobs escaped from her, she felt like her lungs were giving up on her as everyone in the changing room stopped and stared at her on the floor. She had never felt so vulnerable in her life.

Sarah knelt down in her big white dress and picked Riley up off the floor. "Riley, what are you talking about? That you're not a girl?". Riley felt stupid for saying it out loud, but it also felt good to finally say something, Sarah held Riley in her arms as she stroked her long brown hair and waited for her to calm down and explain.

"Mum, I was born in the wrong body. I was never a girl." Riley said quietly. Sarah thought for a moment, "So You're transgender?" she said calmly while holding Riley in her arms. She had seen stories of transgender teens before but had no idea her own daughter had felt that way, making her rethink all the signs Riley had shown over the years that she had never picked up. A lump grew in her throat as she remembered all the times she had dismissed Riley.

Chapter 4 - being Harry

It was the night after the wedding. Riley had changed out of the dress and into the clothes she had bought from home. Damien, Tommy and Sarah sat in the dining room as Riley talked about being transgender.

"I'm not a girl. I'm a boy. I'm called Harry, not Riley" understanding looks circled around the table as Harry stared at his hands and picked at the skin around his thumb. The silence around the table was loud as Tommy looked at Harry. He was only 10 and Harry wasn't sure he would understand.

Damien and Sarah exchanged worried looks at each other before they settled down "then that is what we will call you, Harry". Tommy looked up at them all, "so you're my big brother Harry now? not Riley anymore?" "That's exactly right, Tommy" Sarah smiled as she looked at Tommy.

Harry lifted his head, and smiled at them all knowing that he had finally been accepted by his family. He felt ecstatic knowing that he is known as a boy.

Chapter 5 - the next day

It was 8:14 and Harry had woken up, he walked down the stairs and into the kitchen where Damien and Sarah were already eating breakfast.

Damien sat down in front of Harry, "how would you feel to go and get a hair cut today, Harry?" Harry smiled and nodded at Damien, he had always been conscious about his long brown hair, it hung down low past his waist and despite his best efforts of trying to hide it, he couldn't. Not in a beanie or a big hood, but today he was finally going to get it cut.

Harry put on his favourite football T shirt and shorts after he had eaten and brushed his teeth to go out.

Harry was a boy, and everyone knew that now.