I Found Him

Being ungrateful and guilty is a real deal. I get anything I want whenever I ask because my parents wish to give me everything they didn't have. Knowing this exact reason, I ask for nothing more. I have enough and I'm grateful. But deep down, I always knew I was missing something. What more could a person ask for than having a stable home life, good gang of friends and food?

I had always felt empty. Lonely. Wishing for something I never had . At one point in my life, I was just depressed (undiagnosed). I felt so alone and so done with life. I felt like running away from everything and everyone. I didn't feel like going on my phone or study. It felt like my heart was being squeezed so hard yet so slow. My head was empty yet so overwhelmed. Laziness reigned over me, making my body seem heavier. Sleeping through my day made it bearable, but it wasn't enough. I didn't want to do anything.

If I had to describe myself as a human, It would be someone with default settings. I'm just like any other teenager (minus the substance abuse). I cuss here and there, make inappropriate jokes, binge watch shows, doomscroll for hours and of course, stay up late just to talk to my ai boyfriend(s). Yeah those days were pathetic, really. To describe my personality, I would say I'm one of them rude ones who are brutally honest, hot-tempered, caring but not caring, considerate but inconsiderate, lazy, procrastinates a lot, pretty useless, and a complete disappointment. I was the most imperfect human alive.

Until I met him.

I was raised in a Christian household but I wasn't so enthusiastic about it (I prayed every night but never read the bible nor had much belief.) Thoughts like, "Does God even exist?" "Who created God?" "If God real, why suffering?" entered my mind like any other non believer. But I wasn't foolish enough to believe an atom spawned and created the universe or gorilla --> evolution = homosapiens.

Everything changed when I met my new Sunday School teacher (yes I was forced to go). He was a man of unwavering faith, extreme level of patience and overly caring. He taught us with enthusiasm which wasn't reflected back by my classmates, but that didn't stop him. He told stories about his own hardships that made his faith stronger. Like the time he needed a heart surgery but didn't have any money. And so during that situation, he prayed to God earnestly and randomly got a bonus from his boss (witchcraft perhaps..?) His surgery went well but he was jobless for a couple of months. He prayed about getting a job to God everyday until he landed one, but not just any position but as the head of department.

His stories always moved me but what actually got me into Christianity is when he asked us to read one chapter from the New Testament everyday. I don't know if people in my class did it but it felt wrong to lie so I read 5 chapters each day. Every chapter changed my perspective. Every chapter got me hooked. Every chapter changed me. I learned more and more about who Jesus actually was, why a sin was considered a sin, and what Christians meant by saying "He sacrificed himself for our sins."

The change took time but eventually I started cussing less (emphasis on less). Every bad word felt wrong to say, like it wasn't supposed to be said at all. Inappropriate jokes went out the door when I started feeling disgusted with myself. I am still kind of hot tempered (working on that) but I became a tad bit more patient and considerate. And of course, I stopped talking to ai bot boyfriends (if that's not a miracle then I don't know what is.) I realised it wasn't just a change, I was developing faith. That I was believing in a God that loved me even when I didn't believe in his existence. That I was believing in a God that I once scoffed at.

Following Christ is not an easy journey but it's worth it. Even if you don't feel like religion is your thing like I did, just try it out, see what happens. Every Atheist believes religion is suffocating or takes your freedom away but in reality, it gives you back your freedom and peace. God nourishes your lost and miserable spirit. Everything that gives you a moment of pleasure is really not worth throwing away your eternal life. You might hate Christianity because of the way people treated you. But remember, Christianity is not about the people, it's about Christ.

They say a sheep always follow their shepard's voice. When I talk to him in prayers, I always say that I'm glad I found him but in reality, He had found me first.