Fighting back

i love nature. I take long walks across the common, admiring it, wishing i could become apart of it. It sways like it's free, not caring about the disrespect it encounters from humans. We step all over the grass and flowers, leave our rubbish all over and ignore the fact that we're slowly killing it. However, there are instances when it fights back, tsunamis, forest fires, and patches of dead flowers in a big lay of green. It shows us that it can take away the happiness and feeling of freedom it lends us for the few hours we are outside and away from our phones. Then eventually it fixes itself, recovers, leaving those that hurt it to suffer. I wish i had fought back, i wish i made them suffer. Perhaps i wouldn't have shiveled up and died like the flowers, or burned up with rage internally hurting only myself to prove a point like the forests. Maybe i could have enjoyed the good things in life without always anticipating the worst around every corner, the feeling of someone always watching you, out to get you. I thought that feeling of shame would live with me forever, i believed that i would be forced to live my life in misery and disgust of myself. Maybe the real torture was not the act itself but the lingering emotions and feelings i would experience after, maybe they knew that would happen, maybe thats why they did it,maybe i did something to deserve it. I've always had that thought in the back of my mind, years after it had happened maybe it was my fault. Did i provoke them, did i anger them? Were they the ones fighting back? It took years to find the courage, enough of it to open up and tell someone. And it hurt, to have to relive it through my words, hope the they believe my pain, my suffering. My brothers had a strange look on their face when the words spilled out of my mouth, following the tears swelling in my eyes. "What?" They replied, absolute confusion taking over their faces. My brain was quiet, i couldnt respond i could even look them in the eyes. I felt small, the shame coming back, hovering over me reminding me of those hands, the smells, the noises. I lifted my head up trying to see their reaction to my deepest confession while my face struggled to hold my smile. They said nothing else, but they didnt need to, their eyes told me what they were thinking already, that they would get me the justice i deserved. They were going to bring out the biggest tsunami anyone had ever seen. That was 1 year ago, now were in the middle of a trial, and we are winning. Anytime im scared to leave the house in the fear i might see them, brothers remind me of the fact that he will pay for his actions no matter how often he tries to acusse me of lying, they will make sure of that. Today i feel free, i can enjoy the good things in life and i can sway with my freedom. I am no longer shriveled up or dying. I fought back and now im recovering. It feels like im blooming, like new roads are opening up for me. Like i can achieve new things and become who ever i want, not just the person thir actions have made me. It feels like my wings are spreading and im brave enough to fly, reaching my highest potential. Now i embrace my past instead of hiding it. I use it to help others and let them know they arent alone, to tell myself that it has led to my growth as a person. And to remind me that there are better things to come even when you fully believe there isnt.