Take That!

There are three noticeable things I can tell you about Roy: The first one is that he had a prosthetic lower left leg following a motorcycle accident, the second one is that he looked exactly like Robbie Williams - so much so that he would be accosted everywhere he went and had to constantly deny he was the famous singer. On the street, in supermarkets and in pubs, people would call out "Look it's Robbie Williams!" and approach him for a handshake or an autograph.

Now constant denials took it's toll on poor Roy, so one day he decided he'd had enough. He was in a pub having a quiet drink with his mates when he was once again spotted by a mixed crowd of drinkers. This time Roy decided to make his claim to fame: "Yes, it's me, Robbie Williams" he wearily nodded in acknowledgement. Suddenly, all the pub customers were altered and surrounding him, wanting to be his best friend. Just so they could boast to their peers later. They were buying him and his mates drinks, snacks, anything they wanted they got for free. He was revelling in the attention. Now the questions came: Where are you singing next? Do you live nearby? What's your favourite song? Tell us about the band members. Well, Roy just made up answers on the hoof to keep up the pretence. But then someone piped up the fatal request: "Give us a song, Robbie".

So now we reach the third noticeable thing about Roy: He couldn't sing a note. He was as flat as pancake, completely tone deaf. It was painful to hear him even try. So he had to decline the offer. But the crowd were having none of that. They became more and more insistent. Gradually the mood turned from fan worship to anger. "All these drinks and snacks we've bought you and your mates, and you won't even give us a three minute song!" The situation was looking grim and about to turn physical, Roy felt. Admitting he wasn't Robbie would make it even worse. They wouldn't let him leave without a song from him. Then one of his mates whispered a plan to get them out of the predicament:

He would agree to do a song, but first he must pay a visit to the toilet. His mates would leave the pub on the ruse that they were going out to their car to get their guitars and other equipment and would return. In reality the plan was for Roy to climb out of the toilet window, while his mates drew the car up close to the window, so that they could all make their escape. The plan went into action.

Now Roy, with his prosthetic leg and compromised mobility, had great trouble getting up on the cistern, opening the window and climbing out. It took him a long time, during which the crowd inside became suspicious why the 'band' and 'Robbie' had not returned. "He's done a runner!", someone shouted. There was a great exodus of an angry crowd from the pub. As they stumbled into the car park they saw the sight of Roy half-hanging out the toilet window and his mates pulling his arms trying to extract him. The crowd rushed forward shouting obscenities, intent on revenge. Roy fell onto the car bonnet as his mates piled into the car and sped off with the crowd in hot pursuit, with Roy clinging onto the windscreen wipers. With the crowd safely evaded, the car slammed to a halt, Roy sliding off the bonnet with an undignified landing on the road. It's safe to say that Roy never went back to that pub again, and he was greatly relieved to have escaped the offer of three minutes of fame.