Just One More...

I had been counting days in my head for so long, stacking and stacking, one on top of the other. The higher it went, the more I expected the whole thing to topple. But it hadn’t, not yet at least. Somehow I’d managed to creep up to the edge of a year. On the call, my daughter had practically climbed through the screen, all bright eyed, while my wife just looked at me. It wasn't the usual look of disdain though. She kept saying that she was proud of me, that we were nearly there, that she hadn’t felt this happy since the day our daughter was born. I laughed, nodded. Yeah me too, of course. And I meant it. Or, well, I thought I did. It felt like the right thing to say in the moment. Maybe that counts. I don’t know.

After we hung up though, the silence was deafening. The sort that lingers too long, hanging around the edge of the room like it’s waiting for you to notice it. I stayed there, phone still in my hand, replaying her words like I’d missed a line somewhere. Something didn’t sit right. Not wrong exactly, just… off. They were acting like it was already done. Like I had already crossed the invisible finish line. I told myself this is it, this is what it’s supposed to feel like. Relief, pride, all that. The payoff. But the feeling kept thinning out, slipping through my fingers until it felt more like an idea than the real thing. 

I could feel the old version of myself rising up from the recess of my mind. Quiet like a whisper. Just one more. Although I hated to admit it, it actually made sense. It's not like one would undo anything that mattered, or anything dramatic like that.  It was just to take the edge off. Fill the void, even if just for a moment. Starting from tomorrow, it would be a clean slate. A tiny adjustment before the final push. Next thing I knew, I was going through the motions, like I’d never stopped. Muscle memory, I suppose. Old habits die hard as they say. When it was there, right in front of me again, I didn’t hesitate. Why would I? It felt aligned. Justified. Everything had clicked back into place, neat and familiar. Why leave my comfort zone? All I need is one more hit.