Entrapment

An accidentally honest answer - 'why is it okay for men to go to strip clubs because "you can't do anything but watch" but won't date strippers because they don't trust what they get up to at work?'. Really, he wasn't answering this question but one from long ago. I could see the colour leave his face.

"Well, hate me if you want to - fine, I don't care, I'm not doing this".

You can't argue if one of you closes off and refuses to engage. You cannot process or get closure. That's how wounds start off small and eventually fester.

To think, I struggled so much at the beginning to form trust and belief in him. Trapped by my past and the pain of open wounds and deep scars. And yet I believed him. In his softness and chivalry. When someone shows you who they are, you listen. His kindness is what I heard. Had I been deaf (deliberately or unknowingly) to him telling me that he was as bad as the others?

Once, I had boundaries, I had lines drawn to define what I would not accept in relationships. Once bitten, twice shy, thrice a fucking idiot. I should get that tattooed on my face but nobody wants their therapist looking crazy.

Once, this would have been a deal breaker but now... I'm older, poorer and my body is wrecked from childbirth. Here I am, entrapped by a lie. What can I do with my feelings, where do they go? What consequences could there be that wouldn't be bad for me?

Once, I knew Jody. Jody's dad had an affair and they weren't separating. At the time I couldn't understand. Now I can see why Jody's mum stayed...It was entrapment.

Now, washing up, I wonder - does this change the years of happiness l? Is it really no harm done because until an hour ago I was happy? I would have left if he was honest at the time. Instead you chose to trap me with your lie.

My ex-boyfriend was an absolute shitbag. He ruined me. He lied. Often, without remorse. He thought he was such a fucking nice guy. Fuck you nice guys. Fuck. You. You're lying to yourselves. He once told me he didn't want to see me for the weekend as he was "busy working". That's where the STD came from. I suspected he was cheating but I didn't confront him. I swore never again would a man make me feel so worthless.

My feelings are surfacing violently. As a therapist I know that feelings can be fleeting. This one is not. I feel angry and confused and why?

Fuck this plate and that bowl and this glass - parts of a wedding gift. Fuck washing my hands raw and feeling like a shit because I can't keep my skin on my hands soft enough (for who?).

Now there's shards of pain everywhere. I should tidy it. Instead, I just walk out.