Changing Status

Boys becoming men is scary to me. The friends I once had, felt comfortable with in my school now make me feel like a piece of meat; sat here for them to ogle.

Which is why I wonder what it would be like to become a man myself. To join in with the masses of superiority in the halls and take myself away from the possible list of victims I’m sure they keep a note of in their minds - if they even think about the destruction they cause at all. Because at least then nobody can hurt me. I wouldn’t have to walk alone at night worrying about the way I’m dressed, about the man just a little too close to me.

I start by changing my hair, my clothes. I find the voice is a lot harder to change naturally because it’s too easy to slip back into my old habits of intonation. The deeper rasp of a man is difficult to maintain for a long period of time without something to help the process.

So I take the drugs. They help me stay in character and keep my voice the way they want it to be. It’s definitely a lot easier now without the worry of slipping up and being caught, I think. Sometimes it’s hard to remember what I even sounded like before this, back when I was myself and happy. Back when I was a young girl.

But, to my surprise, I’m still a victim even now I’m like them. Apparently I’m not enough like them because I wasn’t born that way. My differences set me apart from the rest of my classes so they victimise me in a way I was not ready for. Nor will I ever be ready for some of the insults they throw my way. Some days it can be so hurtful I have to hide myself away. I never know if I should hide in the male or female toilets now, so I decide the disabled toilet will have to do for a little while.

It’s okay, though. My mum tells me boys will always be boys.