Bumblebee

The beginning of it all is usually the hardest. The fear of the future, and the fatigue of trying to get it right stare you in the eyes every time they're open.

For a really long time, I have been searching, searching for something unknown… something beyond me. I tell myself I would know what it was when I found it but I'm not so certain anymore.

The first steps are often the hardest between the stumbling and uncertainty, I am constantly bracing myself for impact against my fall.

My sister tells me she's worried about me.

“Let yourself breathe, please come outside,” she says.

I hear her but her words don't really make an impact. I always let myself shrink, being afraid of what I could be or who I could be. My mind runs in constant circles afraid of everything.

“You're like a flower , let yourself bloom. Don't be afraid of letting the sun kiss your petals,” my brother sings.

I have been in this constant loop of wanting to try and fearing the first step. It isn't always a pleasure being here. I am constantly trying to shrink myself, telling myself that a familiar cage is better than an unknown world.

“The bumblebee isn't supposed to be able to fly but it does anyway, you'll never know your true extent if you don't try,” my friend reminds me.

This is getting exhausting. I am tired of being my own captor. So what if I fail does it really matter when I still have air in my lungs. But then again what if I fail and I loose it all. What do I do then?

“My sweet child, you're only as little as you let yourself be, there isn't anything under the sun, you can't attempt. There is no limit to who you can be. Let yourself grow,” my mum tells me. She tells me this all the time.

I've been ruminating on the words of my loved ones. Who really is stopping me?

I don't know when or where the shift occurred, but I woke up one morning and the air was crisp, filling my nostrils with a new scent. It smelt hopeful.

I realized I was a bird in an open cage, I could have always flown out. I let my eyes wander, to look at the world around me and not see the bars that I created for myself. It was really scary and unfamiliar.

I could feel myself receding into the life I was familiar with. When all of sudden a bumblebee glided merrily before my eyes. It was braving the world despite all the odds against it. It was flying regardless.

I let myself free fall. I closed my eyes waiting to pummel to my demise but I didn't, my wings flapped eagerly like they had been waiting for the day they could stretch themselves.

The wind felt great underneath my wings.