A new doctor in Jingleville Harbour

It was my first day at my new job.

“Welcome to Jingleville Harbour surgery,” said the receptionist. I believe her name is Mary. At least that’s what the name on the badge said, but it says “buy Jingelville Harbour Chronicle” on the local bus, but I don’t think you can buy a paper on the bus. They’re missing a trick there.

“The waiting room is full, Dr Cherish. How long do you want for each patient?”

“Let’s play it by ear, should we?” I answered, as I walked towards my surgery.

“I’ll call out ‘next patient’ when I’m ready.”

“Got you doctor.” she answered.

I took five minutes to re-familiarise myself with my room. I’d been shown it at my interview. Happy that I knew what was where, etc., I called out for my patient. In walked a young boy and girl, twins by the look of them. The boy’s head was bleeding profusely, and he had a home-made plaster over it.

“Take a seat and tell me the problem.” I said

“Well....we were going up the hill near our house.” she said.

“No, I want to know what the medical problem is, please.” I interrupted.

“Okay. When we’d got the water and Jack just tripped over his feet, because he’s a clot. Then, because we were both holding the bucket, I sort of fell after him. He pulled me over. I just have a few bruises, but just look at Jack!”

I examined his head, the home-made plaster wasn’t helping at all, except it might have cleaned the wound out. The girl would be better with it, but I dumped it in the bin. I cleaned his wound then applied steri-strips to hold the cut closed.

“I’ll not put a plaster on as the fresh air will help, and a plaster won’t stick to Jack’s hair very well. Let’s have a look at your bruises young lady. Although you’d be better just putting some frozen peas on them at home.”

Then I looked at her bruises, so I told her to follow the ICE routine for them, and I recommended they both leave off collecting water for a couple of days. That was their appointment finished.

“Next patient, please.” I called “And can you keep the noise down out there?”

Mary called back

“I’m doing my best.”

The next patient was another pair of people, can’t my patients come in alone, like they did in my shadowing year.

“Hello, and how can I help you pair?” I asked. Again, it was the woman who spoke first.

“Hiya doc, Can you help us?” she said.

“How?”

“Well, whenever I cook a piece of meat...he eats all the fat, he even pinches any there is on my plate.”

“Okay, and?” I asked

“Well, I eat all the lean meat.” she answered.

“And what do you want me to do? “ I asked.

“Well, we don’t waste any food, but if we eat out we get some really odd looks from the other diners, and if the meat is extremely fatty.”

“Or lean!” He pipes in

“We have a very awkward meal out.” she finishes. “Can you help us?”

“I think you both need to see a dietitian.” I said.

“Thanks doc, you’ve been very helpful.” they said together.

Can these patients get any more peculiar I wonder, as I call for my next patient. The noise from the waiting room gets even closer. Who the Dickens is my next patient? The door was flung open and in walked some soldiers carrying a stretcher. On it was a rather rotund gent, but then even more soldiers tried to get into my surgery, and on top of that they’d all got horses with them.

“Excuse me, but who is in charge here?” I asked.

“That’ll be me,” said one of the soldiers “Captain of this motley bunch.”

“Well, could you and just one other person stay, and everyone else go out?” I said.

“What, into the waiting room?” one of the other soldiers

“No, it might be best if you waited outside, perhaps in the car park. It’s not very hygienic to have horses in here. And take the captain and this other soldier’s horse as well.”

I waited for my surgery to become less crowded and then asked, “Well what has happened here?”

“Old Humph here was just sitting on the wall, watching us practice our trooping of the guard.” The captain said

“And then what?” I asked

“Well, it’s a bit blowy out there today, and he started to wobble, side to side, because of the wind. Then there was a wild gust and he fell right off the wall.” The captain told me.

“So you found a stretcher and brought him here? “

“Erm.....I suppose so, but first we tried patching him up, and we’ve made a mess of it.” He continued.

I crossed over to my examination couch, where the soldiers had put Humph. He was a mess of cuts and bruises, but otherwise seemed okay, but he was unconscious. I set to work cleaning up his injuries, then returned to behind my desk.

“There’s not much else I can do for him now. He seems to have a concussion. Does he live alone?”

“No, his daughter lives with him, Henrietta she’s called. And she’s a right mother hen.” the captain said.

“Could you take him home, please? I’ll give you one of our bumped head leaflets to give to his daughter. She needs to try to wake him and not let him go to sleep for a while. If he gets worse can you ask her to take him to the hospital?” I told the captain.

“Yes, doc. We’ll leave you to your work now, sorry for all the noise earlier. He’s sort of our mascot, as he always sits on that wall watching us drill. We were worried about him.” With that the captain and the other soldier roused Old Humph and between them walked him out of the room.

I sat at my desk and wrote up the case of Old Humph into his records. Then called for the next patient. Surely they couldn’t get any crazier? I was wrong, my next patient, and there was only one this time came in clutching her nose, or so I thought.

“And you are?” I asked

“Just a maid.” came the nasal, muffled answer “From the palace.”

“What is your problem?” I asked, although as she hadn’t moved a very bloody handkerchief away from her nose, I had a pretty shrewd idea. “Could I look at your nose, please?” She nodded and lowered her hands and the bloody rag. Where her nose should have been was a bloody mess. Gently I felt it. It was beyond my limited knowledge, it looked like it needed rebuilding.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the hospital that needs plastic surgery.” I told her, handing her a handful of gauze pads. “How did you do that?”

“It was a big blackbird, it just flew at me and pecked my nose.” she said. Well, if you wait in the waiting room, I'll write you a note for the hospital.”

After she left I called the next patient, but Mary came instead.

“That’s it for today Dr Cherish.” she said.

Phew! I thought, who’d be a general practitioner in this crazy seaside village?